The Bad and the Plotless
by W.H. Woolhat
Summary: Two "dramatic" scenes in which Harry deals with the return of Quirrel and with Dumbledore revealing some shocking information.
1. Episode 1

**The Bad and the Plotless**

**Episode I: A Feared Name**

_Interior, Hogwarts, day. _Harry_ is walking towards Gryffindor tower, minding his own business, when he is intercepted by _Professor McGonagall

**McGonagall**: Oh, Harry, thank goodness you haven't gone to dinner yet! You must come with me to see Professor Dumbledore immediately!

**Harry** (frantically): What'd I do now?

**McGonagall**: You're not the one in trouble. Now come quickly!

(McGonagall _turns and bustles away_. Harry _hastens after her_.)

_Interior, _Dumbledore_'s office, a few minutes later. _Harry_ is sitting in front of _Dumbledore_'s desk, looking nervous. _Dumbledore_ is sitting behind his desk and looks like his usual calm self. _McGonagall_ is pacing the room behind the desk, looking grave._

**Dumbledore**: There's no reason to be so nervous, Minerva. We've contacted the other schools; they know about the situation and intend to help us keep it under control.

**McGonagall**: I can't help it, Albus. The mere thought…(_shudders_)

**Dumbledore** (_turns to face_ Harry): Harry, by now I'm sure you're curious as to why you are here.

**Harry**: Yes, sir.

**Dumbledore**: Well, apparently, by means unknown to us, the former Professor Quirrell has returned.

**Harry** (_sitting forwards in surprise_): What? He's back? No way! He can't be back! I killed him at the end of the first movie! That #$&! was supposed to _stay_ dead!

(Dumbledore _exchanges a glance with _McGonagall, _who looks a bit shocked_.)

**Dumbledore** (_still looking at_ McGonagall): Yes, well…apparently he learned more from Voldemort than we thought. (clears his throat and looks back at Harry) And, like it or not, he _is_ back.

**Harry** (_a bit calmer but confused_): But…where? How?

**Dumbledore**: We have reason to believe that he is in (_dramatic chord_) Afghanistan.

**Harry**: Afghanistan? That's nowhere near here! Why'd you have to go and freak me out like that?

**Dumbledore**: Now Harry, I know that makes it sound as if Quirrell isn't a danger, but…well, we think he may be living off someone else. A Muggle, a person that other Muggles consider a danger.

**Harry** (_having trouble taking this in_): You mean like the whole back-of-the-head thing again? This is a bit hard to believe, professor.

**Dumbledore**: We find it so too, Harry, but it's true.

**Harry** (_annoyed_): So I suppose this guy's got a turban, too? A purple one, maybe?

**Dumbledore** (_with a slightly amused smile_): Close Harry, but not quite on the mark. Of course, some Muggles do wear turbans; it's just normal for them. However, Quirrell is crafty and has played into the local Muggles' acceptance of these turbans in order to hide himself. He has also acquired a new name that will no doubt become a feared one if we do not address this problem immediately.

**Harry** (_uninterested_): Yeah? And what name is that?

(Dumbledore _casts a quick glance at _McGonagall; _she shakes her head and looks away_. Dumbledore _turns back to_ Harry.)

**Dumbledore**: The name is (_same dramatic chord_) Osama Bin Quirrell.

(Harry _sits forward again and looks horrified._ Dumbledore_'s expression is grave. He nods slowly and the shot fades slightly into darkness._)

**Narrator (V.O.)**: How will Harry handle this news? Will Dumbledore tell him something even _more_ terrifyingly horrible? Can McGonagall stand the stress of it all? Find out on next week's installment of _The Bad and the Plotless_.


	2. Episode 2

**The Bad and the Plotless**

**Episode II: Straight as a Circle**

_Interior, _Dumbledore_'s office, day. _Harry_ enters quietly and stands just inside the door, looking a little nervous._

**Dumbledore**: Ah, hello Harry.

**Harry**: You wanted to see me, sir?

**Dumbledore**: Yes, yes, come in. (_looks at _Harry _critically_) Harry, you know you can trust me, yes?

**Harry** (_slowly, not knowing where this is going_): Yes...

**Dumbledore**: Please, sit down. (Harry_ sits_) I must confess that I haven't been entirely truthful with you these past few years.

**Harry** (_confused_): Sir?

**Dumbledore**: Harry, it's time for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago.

_There is a considerable pause while _Harry_ just looks at _Dumbledore_, obviously totally confused at this point. He had no idea what's coming next, although the look on his face suggests that he's thinking along the lines of his parents or Voldemort._

**Dumbledore**: Harry...I'm a transvestite.

**Harry** (_completely taken aback_): _What_?

**Dumbledore**: Yes, Harry. I just can't help it.

**Harry**: So you're telling me that, half the time, you're a _woman_?

**Dumbledore**: No Harry. I'm _always_ a woman. Half the time I appear to be a man, that's all.

Harry_ looks horribly shocked._

**Harry**: You're a $#ing _woman_ and you didn't ever _tell_ me?

**Dumbledore**: I had hoped you would take the news better than this, Harry. After all, I only let you know so that you wouldn't be alarmed in the future. We are going to have to work together to keep Voldemort at bay, as you know.

**Harry** (_calming down a bit_): Just as long as none of the other teachers are...uh...the opposite of what they seem.

**Dumbledore** (_chuckling_): Harry, I can assure you that every other teacher at Hogwarts is exactly what they appear to be. Except Professor McGonagall when she's in cat form, of course.

Harry _looks relieved and gets up to leave. As he opens the door, he reveals _Professor Snape_, who was about to knock. He is wearing a dress and floppy hat a la the boggart in _PoA. Harry _takes one look at him, lets out a very high-pitched scream (think of Roger in _Doug's First Movie)_, and runs out. _Snape_ looks after him strangely as he enters _Dumbledore_'s office_.

**Dumbledore**: The potion backfire again, Severus?

**Snape**: Yes, but I think I'm getting the hang of it now. In a few weeks, nobody will be able to reveal your, ah, _condition_.

**Dumbledore**: Thank you, Severus. It would be a bit _too_ shocking, I think, for Voldemort to suddenly find himself fighting Albina instead of Albus. (_reaches into his desk drawer_) Here. (_hands a flask to _Snape)

Snape _takes a drink and returns to his normal appearance._

**Snape**: Thank you. I'll be along again when the potion is ready.

**Narrator (V.O. **_as_ Snape _leaves the office_): Will Harry tell anyone what he had learned? Will Snape get the potion finished before Voldemort attacks? Is Dumbledore really the only one in Hogwarts with something to hide? Find out on next week's installment of The Bad and the Plotless.


End file.
